The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — but succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
you can pry ‘totes mcgotes’ out of my cold, dead hands
— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) May 4, 2015
I like my coffee how I like my men. Incapable of disrespecting me.
— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 4, 2015
Please be nice to me
*is nice to me*
What did I do, are you mad at me?
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) May 5, 2015
Nothing would make me happier than a supercut of people having their phones stolen off the ends of selfie sticks
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) May 5, 2015
Move bitch get out the way – me singing to pigeons
— Amber (@missambear) May 6, 2015
Last night I dreamt that Angelina Jolie lost a beauty pageant to a literal baby and was none too pleased about it.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) May 8, 2015
there is no twentysomething experience more humbling than going to the supermarket just to buy milk and tampons
— Tess Koman (@tessie_the_mess) May 6, 2015
Real talk a female president won’t launch nukes when she’s on her period at most she’ll waste an hour reading her ex’s new girlfriend’s blog
— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) May 6, 2015
Causing a scene runs in my family.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) May 8, 2015
we as humans have found countless ways to contort and defile language but by far the worst string of words ever is "nice to e-meet you"
— Alanna Okun (@Alannabean) May 7, 2015
"I’m leaning into it and I’m creaming them." –40-something white man in suit riding Citi Bike in West Village to identical friend
— Juli Weiner (@juliweiner) April 28, 2015
goddess grant me the serenity courage and wisdom not to buy the things I put in my online shopping cart after midnight
— dodai (@dodaistewart) May 8, 2015
People who refuse to believe women are harassed online sure do love to make their point by harassing women online.
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) May 5, 2015
im tired of being amazed by beyonce. im not saying im not amazed i just literally dont have the energy anymore. can she stop? i need rest
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) May 5, 2015
I know maybe I’ll just buy one of those huge body pillows and name it James and call it a day
— Annie Stamell (@stamos) May 4, 2015
person: do you want to hang out
me in a wedding dress: yes
— the cabbage (@ramenfuneral) May 7, 2015
Panic! at the Costco
— yung cherub (@k0k0kardashian) May 4, 2015
You’re Gross: A Beauty Guide For Women
— moody monday (@mdob11) May 4, 2015
People with unusually strong emotions about pretend movies are the real heroes.
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) May 5, 2015
Hey tough dudes wearing shorts that come down past your calves. They’re called capris. You are wearing capris
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) May 8, 2015
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