Shortly after my divorce, some friends decided I needed to get out and have some fun. I was teetering on the edge of becoming a shut-in, so I reluctantly agreed. In an effort to pamper myself, I decided to buy a dress. It was super cute and didn’t make me look fat (according to my full length mirror placed at the perfect angle; don’t you dare touch it.)
Immediately after slipping the dress over my head, I realized why I shouldn’t have bought it: it had a goddamn zipper. I blew through the first half of this metal-toothed obstacle no problem. This was easy! Maybe it won’t be so bad? Then, about 3/4 of the way up, it happened; I was stuck. The zipper was dangling precariously in the middle of my shoulder blades, mocking my confidence. Then it became a yoga routine. After a solid 7 minutes of reaching, swearing, and sweating, I managed to grab hold, finish the job, and declare victory.
When I was done (and reapplied my deodorant), I started to think about what it means to live alone. Clearly, I needed to be more discriminate in my wardrobe choices. But there were other things I began to worry about. What if I fall in the shower and hit my head? What if I choke on the pizza I continuously shove into my face?? What if I see a mouse??? After the nightmarish visions of dying like an 80-year-old subsided, I decided to make a list of all the good things that come with living alone.
1. Don’t Use Tupperware!
Once you’re done cooking, stick leftovers in the refrigerator in the pot/pan they were cooked in. What’s the point in getting another container dirty? See number 4…
2. Leave The Cap Off the Toothpaste & Don’t Put Toilet Paper On the Roll!
Don’t listen to Jewel; this is living!!
3. Don’t Put Laundry Away!
OK, full disclosure: I didn’t do this even when I was married. I can do a million loads of laundry, but I will never put it away. This also includes leaving my bras anywhere and everywhere I feel like in my apartment.
4. Don’t Do Dishes!
I’m not even sure why I bothered to buy a dish set, really. With no dishwasher available, I opted for the environmental killer: the paper plate. Guess what? I don’t care that a tree died for my sins. What I care about is spending the least amount of time standing in front of my sink washing dishes. So, save your breath. I’m not interested. Yes, I know it’s bad for the Earth, but it’s good for my sanity.
My little list made me feel so much better. It’s not all bad! Sure, I may need to take aerobics to get myself dressed in certain outfits and possibly buy a medical alert device, but I’ll be living (or dying) in comfort.
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