I’ve never had to be around or deal with anything or anyone for too long. As a ward of the state, I moved whenever conflict would arise. I was like a disposable toy. I was used when I was easy to give instruction to and returned when I no longer followed the directions. I wasn’t worth taking time with, I guess. I didn’t mind. I didn’t mind being given to different people because it allowed me to see and meet new people. Problem was although these meetings took place, a relationship could never form because I’d be moved shortly after the introductions.
Now, I’m married. I’m married with three kids. When I say this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I’m almost in tears everyday. It’s hard to figure out life as a mom or a wife. I can’t just up and leave behind every argument or disagreement. I can’t walk away and dispose of my children, because I know the pain behind it. I try so hard to sit still and deal with “it.” Dealing with the constant irritation of children acting out, fighting, running around and doing everything they are not supposed to do, is inevitable. I have to sit still in terms of dealing with the problems that arise.
Every time me and my husband experience a difficult time or conversation, my first instinct is to run. I instantly want a divorce. I just know that we aren’t meant to be together if we can’t agree on something. My subconscious mind thinks that conflict means disappear. Conflict to me is like a deadly disease and you just get rid of it ( eliminate the person and you eliminate the problem) I mean that’s how I’ve lived my life up until two years ago. I don’t want to sit still and deal with someone that has angered me or irritated me. I want to run from life, but I must sit still.
I’m dealing with learning to be stable. I’m learning that when someone loves you they don’t dispose of you at the drop of a dime. I’m learning that when you sit still and take time, you truly love and care about someone. Sitting still may be the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in life, but I’m dealing with it. I’m working on my stability issues. I’m learning that you can’t learn anything about conflict resolution if you don’t embrace the problem to figure out a solution. Sitting still has made me learn from my mistakes, and I’m a better me because of making the choice to sit still and deal with life and everything it throws my way.
Hoping that this journey into being okay with stability, will get easier sooner than later. I have to learn how to love my husband without conditions. My sitting still issue interferes with my ability to be a wife. I am determined to overcome this struggle.
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