Reader Lost and Shocked writes,
My boyfriend, really my (supposed) fiancé, made me uproot and move to him only to leave me three weeks later. I was with him for four years and his job moved him to a different state. I stayed for two months to settle my affairs and make sure it was what he truly wanted, and had to rent out the house we bought together there.
He begged and pleaded with me to move for months, and I wanted him to be truly sure it was what he wanted, and I wanted to make sure we were on the right path to get married and everything. I had to quit my job, leave my home and now I have no friends and no support in this new place.
After settling in, he one day disappears for two days and texts me that he doesn’t want this anymore and for me to leave with no real explanation. He won’t talk to me and is just this callous cold person who wants me gone… after everything I gave up to be him. I am completely devastated and feel so hopeless. I have no money and no friends here.
What am I missing? Who does this, and especially this way to someone they supposedly loved and cared so much about and only weeks earlier joked about getting me pregnant? I just feel so lost and still in shock. I will never understand how someone could so easily hurt someone out of nowhere like that.
Please, any advice on how to move on would help.
That is certainly shocking and devastating. I understand why you are feeling this upset and disoriented. I think that you were involved with a narcissist, and possibly someone who was leading a double life. Some would say a sociopath, but that is a strong label and I’ve never met the guy, but unless you’re leaving extensive information out of this story, it is a possibility.
In order to help you make sense of what’s happened, let’s take a look at the red flags that were present before the move. You say “supposed” fiance but what I’m inferring is that you had a lot of promises but no ring on your finger. That would be a sign that things aren’t right.
Another sign is that you came to him with no job in place and no money. He did not express concern about what you would do in this new city without support, savings, or employment. Instead, he focused on getting what HE wanted at the time, which was for you to move with him and, I would imagine, provide some sort of comfort for him in this new place. (Unless he is a sadist or sociopath, in which case he may have planned to uproot you and then leave you.) Then, he either met someone else or decided he wanted to be single, and left you without a backward glance.
I am not in any way blaming you, but I urge you to look back at this relationship and go through it mentally with a fine toothed comb. Did he ever seem self-centered? Were your needs ever first in his mind? Narcissists are often charming and romantic, but their persona and behavior is all in service of getting their own needs met first and foremost. Read about narcissism here, here, and here.
People who end up drawn to narcissists have often had an early experience with a self-absorbed parent. If this is you, please read the book Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown. Even if you don’t think it’s you, read that book just to be sure. Also, move back home if you can, to be near friends and family, try and get your old job back, and start seeing a therapist. DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT REMAIN LIVING WITH YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND, OR CONTINUE LIVING NEAR HIM, OR IN ANY WAY INTERACT WITH HIM AGAIN. This guy is toxic and has shown his true colors by turning cold and heartless when you needed him most. Get away and get away now.
Note: It is possible that your ex may be seeing another woman, and if that relationship ends, he may come back to you and beg you to stay. Please, if this happens, do not listen to his entreaties. This man has shown his true colors, and nothing good can come of returning to him.
I am also concerned that you have a dearth of emotional support from family, because nobody has yet come to rescue you from this awful situation, and you sound like you’re in your early 20s or some “rescuable” age (at least insofar as parents generally act toward young adults nowadays). If this is the case, all the more reason for you to seek counseling.
One day, this horrible time in your life will be a distant memory. Especially if you seek counseling that helps you look at how you remained in this relationship for so long despite what I am guessing were at least some signs of dysfunction, this experience will lead to you becoming a better, stronger, and wiser woman.
Good luck, and keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist That Says, Also Delete Him From Your Phone And Social Media.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.
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