When it comes to love in a post-divorce world, do you feel sick of guessing, settling, dealing with fakes and jerks? Hello bathroom & car selfies and my last 4 dates. You might even think that you have to start making massive compromises to get what you want in relationships. I am also pretty certain that the real you gets tucked away a lot more than you realize because of these frustrations.
If you said yes to any of those, don’t worry. You’re not damaged goods or unworthy of experiencing amazing love. You just haven’t learned the relationship and/or dating skills or received the support you need to get you there. You’re human and we all struggle to some degree and we sometimes forget how it feels to be loved.
The truth is: Relationships take work to make them last. No one is perfect, so we need to stop looking for the “one”. Instead the one who is perfect for us. The “rules” have changed a midst an epic hook up culture. It is not sink or swim, and you can remain yourself; neither caving to that pressure nor giving up. You have to invest in your own worth and self-love first. But, how do you get to that place and feel confident in your abilities?
You do it with powerful self-belief and mindset shifts, AND a clear vision of what you want your relationships to look and feel like. Simply put – a better dating reality. You alone create that reality. The most important thing to remember is the energy you are putting into that reality.
How does it FEEL? That question is so very important and it is something my clients here me ask a lot. This is your life and it should FEEL GOOD! So, please do not do things that don’t make you feel the way you want to feel. End of story. Yes of course when you start saying no more to people you might be met with scoffs or push back. Get over that immediately. You do not need someone else’s approval to lead a happy life.
I know that some of you reading this truly desire a change in your relationship status and goals. You want to begin creating a better dating reality and flip the script on attraction, your checklist, goals and know how to communicate more effectively.
All of the above mentioned are crushing some you under their weight–“Why am I still single when my awful cousin has a husband and a great big house”? “How does that guy get beautiful women to talk to him”? Imagine what your life would be like with that heaviness was gone. You no longer felt envious of other peoples’ relationships. You would gain confidence, right? You would no longer think you are invisible in the dating world, right?
Again, how does it FEEL? That right there should be the focus—and stop beating yourself up about what you don’t have or living vicariously through your friends and family. Do something about it, instead of worshipping the ideal of someone else. Get out in the world meeting people.
Shutting yourself off from even mediocre experiences out there in the real world is killing your chances of great dates, much less awful ones. Spoiler alert: we do indeed have to kiss some frogs, deal with poorly mannered people and the occasional egomaniac to meet the perfect for us person.
So what is the problem and why have you forgotten? And do not start inserting excuses into the conversation. Excuses are like crutches and, I will take every last one from you.
“I can’t meet quality men”. This is my favorite, because sure you can and I show people how to do that every day, without online dating even. Gasp.
“Men won’t talk to me”. I don’t have enough space here to cover the mindset issues behind that statement, but I will say this: Start talking to them, every day, everywhere you go. Humanize them before you start demonizing them.
Like attracts like — by that I mean someone actively dating, who desires a high-quality relationship and is embracing the experience will attract a similar partner. Stop thinking you’re special and the only single person on the planet. There are about 4 or 5 billion people who will give you a run for your money on that one.
The gap between what you know and how you want to feel is not as huge as you think it is. It really is a matter of letting go of the friction and embracing what there is to gain. Go out. Meet new people. Allow them to know, like and compliment you on your strengths or attributes. Feel good about your effort and their admiration.
What’s the benefit in the alternative—not joining some friends for a drink or checking out a new meet up group? There is no benefit. There is only staying in the same place—stuck.
Lisa Schmidt is a Post-Divorce catalyst for Women & Relationship coach in Detroit and the author of her own blog. Your questions are welcome and can also be sent to her directly Or join her on a live Periscope stream here
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